I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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