Just took my morning after pill in the library
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
