I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
