the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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