Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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