Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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