Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's blow job season.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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