She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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