I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
