I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i've created a new STD.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
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