Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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