Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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