NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
