I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
