Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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