i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
