Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
