smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
