Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
