it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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