In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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