Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
