i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
