Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
