Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
