hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
