Soap is not a condiment
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
