Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I currently don't understand fingers.
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