You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
