You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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