How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
