My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
