I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize