Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
