Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wear drunk well.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
