I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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