if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
