I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's always time for handjobs
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
