I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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