If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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