I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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