my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
