don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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