her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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