I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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