I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
