my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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