Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
