Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
