Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
