Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
