"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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