hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
