I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
