just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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