today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
