i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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