Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
